Teaching -- The Single Mother Version

If only teaching yoga paid the bills as well as it pays the heart.

Pretty much every time I instruct or practice a class, someone makes me feel appreciated -- whether it's through gratitude, a hug, a smile or even just a look that indulges my desire to affect positive transformation. Maybe it's because I push a regular just that little bit extra -- a drive that person always has that occasionally needs igniting; perhaps a story or joke I share allows an unnecessarily-furrowed brow to soften; a practitioner may find acceptance upon facing whatever he has in the mirror and choose to work with, rather than against it.

Surely, rewards are bountiful in the hot room and tend to foster relatively relaxed, positive souls outside of the Bikram bubble. As an instructor, however, it can be painfully difficult finding a monetary balance because we truly do what we love and, of course, more often than not, what a person loves doing often fails to keep them financially afloat. The industry standard income for hot yoga instructors is oddly dissonant with the substantial role we play in the lives of our students and communities.

So as reality is often somewhat harsh, I shall soon be pairing down my teaching to seek a more stable livelihood down another avenue, one which will hopefully at least have ties to teaching, health and wellness.

Molding impressionable young minds in a high school classroom has often beckoned me. Well, if I'm being honest -- and that is the point here -- to be honest in sharing one's challenges, triumphs and wisdom accrued from such experiences -- teaching in its traditional form (the kind that provides a decent income, great vacation time, health benefits and a solid pension) has been shoved down my throat from infancy.

My Grandpa taught elementary school and, early in his career, celebrated the firm hand of authority he naturally delighted in exercising on anyone willing to submit by becoming a principal. Never fulfilled ruling one when he could have several under his firm, but loving grasp, for 14 years, he simultaneously served as a principal for six schools in the BC interior. Up north, communities are still and always were small because of course, it's up north. So for over a decade, my dear Grandpa rented out his waterfront home on Vancouver Island (the property he was able to purchase socking away most of his teaching salary) and happily squired the hearts and minds of his most captive audience.

My Mother, growing up with a stellar example of success through dedication and stability, followed suit and, by 22, was running her own classroom. Not having a natural affinity for small children, those who know her are still puzzled by my Mother's choice to teach elementary school; as she is, however, easily intimidated by independent, mature minds, those who truly know her understand completely.

I'm fairly certain she finds most of every day in the company of seven-year-old hooligans (these are privileged kids from a fairly affluent community, most of whom have grown up running amok whenever they please) grueling, but -- here it is again -- she has afforded herself a lovely life. She works 8 am to 3 pm, during which time, she has of course a fifteen-minute recess and a forty-five minute lunch, as well as occasional prep time. She has every long weekend to do with as she pleases, 2 weeks off at Christmas, spring break and 2 months off for the summer. Sure, some teachers choose to coach track and field or have to supervise recess once a week -- either way, not a bad gig at all.

The past few days in particular, having taken their toll on me physically to the point that I open my mouth to make a verbal adjustment in class and nothing but the squeaks of what is left of my virus-ridden voice are audible, I have made what I feel is the responsible decision to revisit the pursuit of teaching high school. I would, of course, teach English -- this being the subject in which I earned my Bachelor's Degree because it was the only choice I knew would keep me engrossed in and writing fanciful analyses of great books over muffins and coffees at my favourite neighbourhood haunts. I can't even tell you the extent to which I deplore libraries -- I try to avoid them whenever possible -- and studying -- of any kind. Isn't life best lived? Pleasure please; I'll take as much as I can get.

And as anyone who works hard for their money knows, pleasure comes in many forms, most of which can be costly. So as Maya's Mommy -- a girl who insists on indulging in at least some of the finer things whenever possible -- trying to make it on my own in a city of unforgiving cold, even more unforgiving men and a barely-there transit system that pretty much necessitates having a car, I've accepted the time to shift gears from a Hot Yoga Teacher to a hot English Teacher as now. Applications are due in early spring, volunteer hours required and, hopefully, by next September, my stilettos will be pounding the pavement back in Van at UBC for a year of High School Teacher certification. I look forward to a new forum in which to boss people around.

No Life Jacket Required

Last week, I was in the yoga room 15 times -- for someone with a hyper metabolism and an effortless ability to ignore the all-important inner monologue of what a girl wants; what a girl needs -- this is a substantial amount of time spent sweating out some of which I may have been better off keeping in.

I haven't spent over 22 hours in the hot box since before I got pregnant over two years ago, at which time I was a sprightly 27-year-old; at 29, back on a full-time teaching schedule and fitting in a solid practice, I may have to start pumping electrolytes intravenously to keep from passing out at the end of the day. Either that, or I could just eat and pound coconut water constantly.

Whatever symbiotic solution I find to keep me ticking and ward off the several midnight incidents to which I've unhappily awoken, completely cramped -- paralyzed from the knee down, calf muscles calling out for me to treat them more kindly (salt and potassium please Miss Allison), for now I'll simply have to take my body's transitional state one step, breath, posture, class and day at a time. This weekend, for instance, I made the easy decision to (apart from teaching doubles both days) strive for allowing only the contraction that comes from strutting around in sky-high stilettos for a Friday night downtown worthy of stunningly uncomfortable shoes and a tastefully provocative cocktail-bandage dress. So far so good. As yet, an intake of wine and tequila seems to have adequately replaced my desire for 3 am bags of salted rice chips, so I must be striking a decent balance there somewhere.

Maybe it was the incredible dinners at Vij's and Sanafir, places I would not normally have the opportunity to enjoy back to back, that replenished my depleted resources, or the surprisingly irresistible charms of the tattoo artist with whom I spent an alluring hour last night at Adrenaline.

There are so many sweet sources from which to nourish one's body, mind and heart. This afternoon, I satisfied (as much as possible from a province away) the constant craving I have to see, hear and laugh with my daughter. Over Skype, she proudly displayed her newly acquired talent for holding a pen and instead of just putting it in her mouth, with the utmost concentration, pulling the lid off and replacing it repeatedly until I distracted her with greetings from some of my curious students. A cluster of buff, bared yoga bods eagerly surrounded my laptop and giggled along with Maya at her pen-handling genius. My heart full, I blew her a kiss and headed into my home away from home to teach a double dose of the ultimate effortless effort.

Now sitting alone (which I always hate -- particularly late at night), having downed a mega-sized coconut water, working towards even just pretending to feel comfortable tucked in by myself, I lie awake, trying to lull my busy mind to sleep with Jason Mraz -- not such a hot idea as listening to "Lucky" is serving no greater purpose than creating a hollowness in my chest as if the manic monkey from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is ripping my heart out like he does to the unsuspecting evil gummy bear who, as a result, perishes heartless (if you've not seen the movie, stop lying to yourself and admit you loved it).

Tonight, on the floor of my sister's bedroom (my residence for only a few days more), the waters are inclement, there is a small craft warning; I could go down, flounder helplessly. But life is best managed calmly. With balance comes buoyancy. At least the clock has passed midnight and (apart from a tightness in the leg I had to keep still for an hour last night while my foot was being branded with words of limitless wisdom) my limbs are relatively relaxed. No signs of debilitating cramps this evening. Staring at my right foot, I find calm in the honest script so beautifully curved just above the instep. I will take my own advice and follow what is written there: trust, breathe, smile.

Life Lessons from the Indelible Britney Spears

Last week. I already pine for you and your final days of summer sun. The grueling schedule I kept of yoga and soaking up the sun at Kits Beach, left me little time for writing, but now the skies are ominous, offering nothing but drear and damp, so I'm back at the keyboard.

Heading home (as in the floor of my sister's bedroom, where I currently occupy a space the size of my couture IKEA mattress) in a haze of yoga high from a thick class on Commercial yesterday, I opted for the always ingenious soundtrack of Miss Britney Spears to accompany me home. Sometimes a girl just needs a little old school to remind her, no matter the current weight of life's circumstances and how unnervingly unforeseeable the future, everything will turn out alright in the end. Take our darling Brit: in the not-so-distant past, she was a completely disheveled (on the inside and out), unhinged, downward-spiraling, fury of destruction. Today, buffed and polished to a finish smooth enough to appear a once again competent mother, partner and artist (that's right, I referred to the princess of pop as an "artist" -- deal with it), she has re-emerged, relatively unscathed and back on top, continuing to dazzle and captivate legions of fans. And because so many worthwhile life lessons come from standout role models like Britney, when the going gets tough, but merits a tone none too somber and just scratching the surface of delicate introspection, her lyrics are full of diamonds in the rough.

Borrowing a gem from one of my faves, from the days of Britney's stellar acting debut in Crossroads I too have re-emerged -- a brighter, unobstructed by the expectations of others, independent version of myself.

"Say hello to the girl that I am! You're gonna have to see through my perspective."

"Overprotected" -- the theme song of life in the Sinclair (my maiden moniker -- we even have a darling tartan) clan. Released about 10 years ago -- about the same time, at 19, most of my girlfriends and I felt similarly hampered by our parents' view of the course our lives should take. Good work Mom and Dad -- I really used the four years I spent at UBC effectively. Because you said something along the lines of, "If you don't go to university right away, you will be an epic failure and no longer a member of the family we will choose to acknowledge. Well, we might acquiesce to identifying your body when the police find it under the Granville St. bridge frozen solid, because you won't survive the winters here sleeping in a box outside, which is the only accommodation you'll be able to afford if you elect to forgo higher education." Yep. I'm pretty sure the open-minded, warm and fuzzy advice of only the best intentions with which my parents provided me went something exactly like that.

At one time, I was a relatively obedient daughter, hoping to glean some affection from the confounding creatures who brought me into being by following a path I thought would appeal to their ideologies of what good girls should do. But never being one to blindly follow the pack and conform to a life that doesn't make me happy, I decided within the first semester of my English Literature Degree to do pretty much whatever I wanted. Sure, I read all the books, but only because I enjoyed them; I handed in all of my papers early and always seemed to do well, never being handed back work with less than an "A" of some description scrawled across the top. But I allowed my science requirements and electives that failed to interest me fall by the wayside, giving me a decent amount of recreational time -- which of course I filled with partying.

I managed to work my way through a solid roster of lovers, friends and everything in-between. I thought at least the life experience I gained from experimenting with what I wanted and didn't want in the people I kept close to me would prove useful, but thus far, I am still somewhat clouded with those silly lures that so often accompany short-lived unions -- you know -- a look, a touch, a smell, a certain mystery; something extraordinary that is magnetic but sadly doesn't turn out to have staying power or realness. I did, after all, manage to marry a man I hardly knew at all, but did he ever have a je ne sais quoi -- like none other.

Anyone who has played the game of love, lust and all necessary and unnecessary associated evils knows the couples that last are (much more complex than it sounds, trust me) the ones in which two people genuinely like each other; they have to laugh with each other, listen to and actually appreciate most of what escapes one another's mouths, so much so that just words can turn the wheels in the brain that ignite the fire in the heart -- and other, much lower regions in the body equally important in maintaining a certain level of interest and intensity between successful lovers. However rare, such connections do of course exist. One can choose to need them, want them, or simply settle for whatever comes -- or nothing at all.

I"ll take one of everything please. I'll see whatever comes; if it's not what I need and want, they'll be something just around the corner that is. "I need time, love, joy; I need space; I need me." If I ignore the expectations of others in the process, the only disappointment they truly experience will be their own -- in themselves.

I Am Me -- Without Apology

Does anyone near and dear to you look upon your lifestyle with disdain? If, like me, you are merely a yoga teacher in this crazy mixed up world -- you know, the one in which most people live to work -- you may be misunderstood. My parents somehow fail to grasp the notion that I am content doing what I do for the modest income with which it provides me, for which my real compensation is relaxation and happiness. Oddly enough, their heavy-handed judgement comes from a place of hypocrisy. They are not stockbrokers, real estate moguls, successful entrepreneurs, doctors or lawyers; mother is an elementary school teacher and father is now a retired police officer. Throughout the course of their careers, neither one of them has really seemed to enjoy a single day of that with which they chose to define themselves. They brought in decent coin -- nothing to impress the neighbours with -- but enough to live comfortably and raise two kids. They have healthcare benefits and pensions, all of which are, to some degree, important. But what confounds me more than anything is the lives they've carried on with for over 50 years, without ever seeming to live.

I meet a lot of people like my parents in this void of passion respect. They did what they did and do what they do because they choose to govern their existences by following the road more travelled -- the straight and narrow. Scintillating, I know. Sure, such paths have stability, predictability -- but lest we forget, nothing can be completely anticipated. Think about how many people you know today who have been slapped across the face with the news of an aggressive, life-threatening cancer, even the people who lead the cleanest, healthiest lives. Think about the random life-snatching acts of nature, human incompetence and -- worst of all, but less often random -- nurture.

How can those in this moment granted the privilege to live choose instead to adopt a "walking dead" existence? I find them unnerving -- those insipid individuals who simply move through the motions of one day after another, the fire (if it ever existed) in their eyes burnt out.

Sure, part of being an adult is accepting some level of responsibility, especially an adult (like myself) with a daughter. But irrespective of the challenges thrown at me, or the ones I create, unless it's to hook up with a vampire, I'll always choose to live among the living.

Teaching yoga, I may never be in the upper echelon of money-makers, but I'll always have enough to enjoy the simple pleasures (like this morning's mocha) -- and if I don't, I can move to Mexico. Of the highest importance will be my happiness, and the warmth it will always allow me to impart upon my daughter and anyone else so deserving.

Philosophical Foray

Bikram Yoga is like an escape from reality. Is it? Killed my Self in Cedric's class at Kits Monday night, in which he brought to our attention the backwardness of this statement. He told us to look at ourselves in the mirror and embrace this moment as our reality; this sweaty, awkward, emotional (more so for some) body-bending and strengthening session we put ourselves through so we can better manage life on the outside. I thought, this guy's for real. He know's what's up. The gym-jacked, perfectly-tanned, egocentric poser with the attention span of a toddler between me and Cedric created such a glaring juxtaposition, it was difficult to keep from laughing every minute of the 90.

This constant struggle, moving meditation, taking oneself to the brink, beyond and back -- this is reality. Walking into a brightly-lit room, wearing next-to-nothing, free of the accouterments to which so many of us are accustomed (the yoga room is one of the few places you will ever catch me without makeup), facing my own deeply introspective eyes, skinny arms, rosebud breasts, junk in the trunk, camel pose calluses attractively taking up precious real estate on my knees and not only accepting what I come into the room with, but constantly assessing every body part, muscle, ligament, joint, facial expression, to make sure it is working at its optimum level, to create a body that just won't quit and a mind so peaceful, it is overwhelmed by nothing -- this is honesty.

Reality is inescapable inside the sanctum of the yoga room, ever elusive on the outside. In an effort to make life seem easier, we often choose to make malleable the truth that is ourselves and our existence, but truth is unalterable -- it is exactly as it is and we must accept it as such if we ever hope to work with what we have, rather than against it.

I recommend coming to class just as you are, but carefully cognizant of whom that really is. Maybe you're someone who, out of habit and self-doubt, always sits down after awkward pose; maybe you refuse to practice anywhere but the farthest, dimmest, coolest back corner of the room; maybe you choose only to situate yourself front and centre, next to the podium, afraid you'll be too easily distracted or fail to push yourself otherwise (often a bad habit of mine). Whatever your deal, you're always welcome. Bring your inhibitions and transform them into wings that will enable you to become much greater than the sum of your parts.

Mr. Darcy has it Right -- Most Ardently

You know when the pieces of your life somehow untangle themselves, if only for a moment, so you can see them each clearly enough to evaluate which belong, which don't, if any need rearranging or require transformation or swift expulsion? For me, last week culminated in an epiphany of this sort; a clarity I knew existed, but had yet to reveal itself and its imperative nature until I let it.

Without my usual domestic responsibilities, as my daughter is currently with her Daddy in Edmonton while I fulfill my role as double Maid of Honour, I actually had time to reflect. I taught, practiced, partied, played, rested, relaxed and soaked up all the goodness I could get. I kept only the best company and was constantly content. Last week is up there with the best I've ever had -- and I was no where but my usual Vancouver haunts. The difference was the way in which I experienced them -- with a whole new appreciation; an openness; an optimistic warmth that lit me up from within.

I have always believed we create our own happiness; you forge the path you want or accept a life unfulfilled. Because life is short and so much of it is ridden with potholes, I choose to relish the smooth parts, even luxuriate in them. Having experienced that level of unbridled enjoyment, whenever possible, I rarely allow myself to expect less. As I draw another year closer to turning 30, I've come to acknowledge it's about time I grab hold of what I need and want before it's too late.

Positive changes already abound from my ambition to live ardently. The past few days, I have laughed to the point of tears almost once a day, felt passion, warmth and compassion in pleasantly unexpected places, worked my body only as much as I wanted, not felt I needed, exercised my mind and taught myself to hear and see things and people differently, watched zero television (with the exception of The Bachelorette finale because -- let's be serious -- that was important stuff), consumed only what I consider to be the best food and wine -- because, otherwise, what's the point? I have never felt more relaxed and satisfied. Reuniting with my daughter tomorrow will complete the picture and further elevate the appreciation I have developed for everything I have. It will also mean less selfish time, but more unconditional love. Fair trade.

Last night in Christian's class, I locked out in standing bow -- two feet in one line! I struggled and grunted my way through what I thought was (with my hamstrings) impossible and then found the sweet spot of letting go, the place where limitations cease to exist. As I started to give up, I chose instead to laugh at myself, and with a gentle nudge from Christian, kicked with everything I had. The aftermath of that class was the most relaxed contentment I could have imagined -- and it continued all night. Maybe it was the yummy Mexican food Dad took me and my sister for and the margaritas we downed or the Caper's dark-chocolate-raspberry tarts we devoured while taking in a late show of The Change-Up -- Either way, I'll have another of the same please. If Tuesday nights can be as fantastic as mine was and last week can be a game-changer, every day can be made to matter; to light the soul -- or at least try.

Damn It! I'm Not Right All the Time?

Even the most set in their ways can be undone. Today I learned an important lesson -- one I had been encouraged to consider previously, but have been guilty of failing to adopt as yet. Today, I lived the truth of some people being worth a closer look. I discovered a much deeper, kinder, generous impression of -- get this -- the intolerably distracted woman with the sweater in class. Today, for some reason unknown to me, she still came in with her cover-up, but practiced right under the podium, under my nose, looking up at me with a smile throughout class. Very strange, I thought. Maybe she simply felt wary of me up until today; I am, after all, a visiting teacher who hasn't set foot on the podium of this particular studio in over two years. As a matter of fact, almost all of the previously quiet, to the point of what I thought were disinterested, students have seemed to warm to me. They are even thanking me now after class and acknowledging me by name. The biggest surprise, however, for sure is "sweater woman."

One of my regulars this morning threw her back out, later explaining to me she had injured it a few days prior to her practice today, gotten overzealous, and pushed just a little too hard -- it's always a fine line. When in doubt, take it easy, honey. After coaxing her through how to lie appropriately in order to put the least pressure on her back, I helped hoist her up off her mat and supported her feeble limp out of the hot room.

As we finally make it to the door, who's behind us, carrying the injured party's mat, towel and water bottle? The one I had so swiftly dismissed as inconsiderate and flippant -- "sweater woman."

While this enlightening experience does not mean I'm going to ignore blatant laziness and hypocrisy from other instructors, it has encouraged me to give a person more then a moment to make an impression on me. I suppose I would appreciate the same, so why not? In the end, acceptance is just as important as striving for excellence.